Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
Perhaps its the right time to write this. Today is the date, 24th of December. The date is significant enough that I have considered tatooing it on my body. Too bad tatooes are pricey and painful, I could tolerate one of these but not both. 24/12/2008. I wonder how it would look in latin numbers (XXIVXIIMMVIII apparently), never liked them really but they would suit better for a tatoo. Not that I am getting any. Anyhow...
Five years have passed. I have turned on my Skype for old times sake, but seems I am the only one who attaches any significance to the date. She is not online. She has better things to do. They don't get many holidays in Korea and have to make the best of the limited amount they got. Tomorrow is a day off there, so she is probably partying somewhere. Can't really blame her, can I? But still... sorta wish I had her phone number. Sorta glad that I don't. Don't wanna make a fool of myself again.
I've been thinking about love. Yeah, that thing again. I am practically middle-age and I still wonder about the true meaning of that feeling. I've been reading Vampire Knight manga lately and in there there is an example of 'true love' when the one in love accepts everything as long as the one he loves is happy. He puts her desires before his own. I don't think I've ever behaved like that. I honestly don't think there are a lot of people who do. Those who do are an exeption to the rule. Or are they? Or maybe I am just a self-centered individual incapable of 'true love'? She saw right through me, you know. She called me selfish, and so I am. My happiness matters more to me than hers or anybody else's. Exept perhaps for my children, and even then I am not sure. Yes, I am sacrificing my desires for the sake of their happiness. Or am I? Maybe I am just hiding behind that excuse. Hiding from my own fears and insecurities? Only time will tell.
In the book 'Tea House Fire' the heroine talks about a certain resignation to one's fate. When someone accepts the hand they have been dealt and say, goes back to an abusive husband, because "it's their place in life". The heroine struggles with this feeling herself when she is inclined to stay by the side of the woman she loves but who she knows can never reciprocate her love. She thinks that it's her 'place in life'. Eventually she overcomes this feeling and turns a new page for herself, making a new life with new lover. She doesn't forget the past, indeed, she pays due respect to it, but she leaves it behind. This is something I am struggling to do.
Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the feeling that she was my fate and I should spend the rest of my days either pursuing her or waiting patiently for her to realise that we belong together. Then I am overwhelmed by the ridiculousness of this idea. I am a realist after all. And yet, I can't shake a feeling that it's 'my place in life'. I suppose getting that tatoo won't help))
Five years have passed. I have turned on my Skype for old times sake, but seems I am the only one who attaches any significance to the date. She is not online. She has better things to do. They don't get many holidays in Korea and have to make the best of the limited amount they got. Tomorrow is a day off there, so she is probably partying somewhere. Can't really blame her, can I? But still... sorta wish I had her phone number. Sorta glad that I don't. Don't wanna make a fool of myself again.
I've been thinking about love. Yeah, that thing again. I am practically middle-age and I still wonder about the true meaning of that feeling. I've been reading Vampire Knight manga lately and in there there is an example of 'true love' when the one in love accepts everything as long as the one he loves is happy. He puts her desires before his own. I don't think I've ever behaved like that. I honestly don't think there are a lot of people who do. Those who do are an exeption to the rule. Or are they? Or maybe I am just a self-centered individual incapable of 'true love'? She saw right through me, you know. She called me selfish, and so I am. My happiness matters more to me than hers or anybody else's. Exept perhaps for my children, and even then I am not sure. Yes, I am sacrificing my desires for the sake of their happiness. Or am I? Maybe I am just hiding behind that excuse. Hiding from my own fears and insecurities? Only time will tell.
In the book 'Tea House Fire' the heroine talks about a certain resignation to one's fate. When someone accepts the hand they have been dealt and say, goes back to an abusive husband, because "it's their place in life". The heroine struggles with this feeling herself when she is inclined to stay by the side of the woman she loves but who she knows can never reciprocate her love. She thinks that it's her 'place in life'. Eventually she overcomes this feeling and turns a new page for herself, making a new life with new lover. She doesn't forget the past, indeed, she pays due respect to it, but she leaves it behind. This is something I am struggling to do.
Sometimes I am overwhelmed by the feeling that she was my fate and I should spend the rest of my days either pursuing her or waiting patiently for her to realise that we belong together. Then I am overwhelmed by the ridiculousness of this idea. I am a realist after all. And yet, I can't shake a feeling that it's 'my place in life'. I suppose getting that tatoo won't help))
-
-
25.12.2013 в 05:11-
-
25.12.2013 в 11:36Но серьезно, есть вещи которые мне легче выразить по английски, было бы легче по-русски написала бы по-русски. Я уже больше половины жизни прожила в англоязычной стране, так что длинная муторная хня на инглише это побочный эффект моей тяжелой доли)))
смело проматывайте, ничего умного я все равно не написала))-
-
25.12.2013 в 22:57и постоянных просмотров кино с запоздалым переводом, так что не всё могу перевести)))-
-
26.12.2013 в 05:22