Mad fox, bad fox, just another dead fox.
I was driving home today and suddenly it hit me: the chains have really fell. I don't feel whatever I was feeling towards her since around 2008. Which makes it what, over 4 years? I suddenly felt free.
Mind you, the whole shit was only in my head for most of the time anyway. She was over me before we even met (and that is incredibly ridiculous btw, but that's their friggin intuition for ya). But me... oh, no. I had to create big castles in the sky and then watch them being slowly blown away by the cruel winds of fate, my own stupidity and her brutal kindness {meaning, she should have never allowed this thing to drag on as long as it did. I had my reasons, but she should have ended it when she realised that I am not 'the One'. Right, because she is looking for the One, lol. Make it one hundred. oh, i am getting nasty(( }.
Anyway, in my mind I had a lover/purpose/goal for years. And now its over. And somehow I don't feel sad, I feel liberated. I was actually afraid that if I end it (not that it wasn't over already, but if I purposefully end it for myself) I will drown in the ocean of despair and misery. That is the reason I hold on to that illusion as long as I did. That, and the reluctance to admit defeat. My pride was hurt and is still wounded. But I think that may be there are some battles in life that are just not worth winning.
I was beginning to scare myself too. The evil and sadistic shit that came to my mind, surely that can't be love... That can't be nothing apart from hurt ego, desire to rule and conquer and a thirst for revenge. Oh, the pain that I longed to put her through... Seriously, I am ashamed. She is wise to stay away from me. And that's not considering the fact that we are totally wrong for each other. Given half a chance we would ruin each others lives. May be she saw that, she was pretty wise afterall. Too bad it took me so long to realise this.
Well, I am free from my illusion now, the only question is... what I am going to do with this freedom?
Mind you, the whole shit was only in my head for most of the time anyway. She was over me before we even met (and that is incredibly ridiculous btw, but that's their friggin intuition for ya). But me... oh, no. I had to create big castles in the sky and then watch them being slowly blown away by the cruel winds of fate, my own stupidity and her brutal kindness {meaning, she should have never allowed this thing to drag on as long as it did. I had my reasons, but she should have ended it when she realised that I am not 'the One'. Right, because she is looking for the One, lol. Make it one hundred. oh, i am getting nasty(( }.
Anyway, in my mind I had a lover/purpose/goal for years. And now its over. And somehow I don't feel sad, I feel liberated. I was actually afraid that if I end it (not that it wasn't over already, but if I purposefully end it for myself) I will drown in the ocean of despair and misery. That is the reason I hold on to that illusion as long as I did. That, and the reluctance to admit defeat. My pride was hurt and is still wounded. But I think that may be there are some battles in life that are just not worth winning.
I was beginning to scare myself too. The evil and sadistic shit that came to my mind, surely that can't be love... That can't be nothing apart from hurt ego, desire to rule and conquer and a thirst for revenge. Oh, the pain that I longed to put her through... Seriously, I am ashamed. She is wise to stay away from me. And that's not considering the fact that we are totally wrong for each other. Given half a chance we would ruin each others lives. May be she saw that, she was pretty wise afterall. Too bad it took me so long to realise this.
Well, I am free from my illusion now, the only question is... what I am going to do with this freedom?